Summary: This resource from Just Enduring, an organization founded by bereaved parents, is designed for friends, extended family members, and grandparents navigating the devastating landscape of child loss. It provides deep, actionable insights into what grieving parents are thinking and feeling, while offering concrete roadmaps on what to say and what to do to relieve their daily burdens. It directly addresses the often-overlooked grief of the support network, offering strategies to manage personal triggers, meaningful ways to honor a child’s memory, and structural avenues for long-term support, making it an essential resource for anyone looking to help a loved one survive the worst grief imaginable.

Supporting Bereaved Parents: The Ultimate Resources for Family and Friends

When a child dies, the world splits open. For parents, it is the beginning of the worst grief imaginable – a club that no one ever wants to join, and a reality that shatters every plan, hope, and sense of safety they ever possessed.

If you are reading this as a family member, a grandparent, a close friend, or a coworker, you are likely standing on the periphery of this heartbreak, feeling a profound sense of helplessness. You want desperately to ease their pain, but you are terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. You might feel paralyzed by the sheer magnitude of their loss.

At Just Enduring, we are a community of parents who have walked this dark path. We have sat in the heavy silence of an empty nursery; we have had to plan funerals instead of birthdays. We know exactly how intimidating it can be for the people who love us to show up. We also know how vital you are.

You cannot fix this. You cannot cure their grief, and you cannot bring their beautiful child back. But you can help them endure it. This guide is our collective voice, offering you a roadmap built from our real experiences to help you understand what grieving parents are thinking, what they need to hear, what they need you to do, and how you can take care of your own aching heart along the way.

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You cannot fix this heartbreak, and you cannot bring their beautiful child back. But by choosing to stand in the darkness with them, you can help them find the strength to endure it.
– Ben Gillham, Co-Founder of Just Enduring & jackson’s dad

What Grieving Parents Are Thinking and Feeling

To support a grieving parent, you must first understand that their internal landscape has been entirely rearranged. Grief of this scale isn’t just deep sadness; it is a violent physical, cognitive, and emotional upheaval. Here is what is happening beneath the surface, even if they aren’t able to articulate it to you:

The Weight of Trauma, Shock, and Numbness

In the immediate aftermath, and often for months or years following the loss, parents operate in a state of survival. The shock acts as a natural buffer, but it can make them appear detached, hyper-focused, or entirely uncommunicative. They are replaying the circumstances of their child’s death over and over in their minds, searching for answers, trying to fill in the blanks of how and why this happened.

Overwhelming Guilt and Self-Blame

It is a fundamental instinct of parenthood to protect your child. When a child dies, regardless of the medical condition, accident, or circumstance, parents almost always carry an agonizing burden of guilt. They blame themselves. They believe they should have known, should have done more, or could have somehow changed the outcome.

Intense Fear and Anxiety

Losing a child shatters the illusion that life follows a predictable order. Parents are often consumed by intense new anxieties. They may become fiercely overprotective of their surviving children, experience terrifying fears regarding the safety of their remaining family members, or feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of going out into public where regular life is continuing as normal.

Complicated Emotions Surrounding Future Milestones

If the parents experience a subsequent pregnancy or welcome a new baby later on, it does not erase the pain. A new baby is not a replacement. In fact, it brings a complex storm of anxiety, guilt, and grief alongside love. They need you to understand that joy and sorrow will now always live side-by-side.

Grief after child loss is not a problem to be solved or a disease to be cured. It is an entirely new reality that a parent must learn to carry every single day.

What to Say to Bereaved Parents

Words hold immense power. While nothing you say can take away the agony of child loss, the right words can make a parent feel seen, loved, and less isolated. Conversely, well-intentioned but misguided phrases can inadvertently deepen their wounds.

What You Should Say

Say Their Child’s Name: This is perhaps the greatest gift you can give. Speak their name naturally, just as you would talk about the memories, quirks, and accomplishments of a living child. Parents often fear that the world will forget their child; hearing you say their name is a beautiful reassurance that they matter.
“I am so incredibly sorry. I don’t know what to say, but I am here with you.” Honesty is profoundly comforting. Acknowledging that the situation is unspeakably terrible is far better than trying to find a silver lining.
“Tell me about them.” If the parents are ready, invite them to share. Ask about their personality, their favorite color, their laugh, or a favorite memory. Follow their cues; if they want to talk about their child’s life rather than their death, let them lead.
“I am thinking of you and [Child’s Name] today.” Send this via text or a card out of the blue. It tells the parent they aren’t the only ones carrying the memory.

Hearing their child’s name is music to a bereaved parent’s ears. It proves they aren’t forgotten.

What You Should Avoid Saying

Through our own journeys, we have learned that certain phrases, no matter how pure the intentions behind them, can be deeply hurtful. Avoid any sentence that attempts to rationalize, minimize, or find a positive angle in a child’s death.

Avoid trying to make the death a positive: Phrases like “God has a plan,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “Have faith,” or “Good things will come from this” can feel dismissive of a parent’s immense pain.
Avoid timelines or false comfort: “It will get better with time” or “Time heals all wounds” rings hollow. The passage of time often makes the absence of the child hit harder as milestones are missed.
Avoid “At least” statements: “At least you had five years with them,” “At least you have other children,” or “At least you can have more babies.” There is no justification for the passing of a child, who was unique and special in their own way.
Avoid assuming you understand: Unless you have also lost a child, do not say “I know exactly how you feel.” Even among bereaved parents, every single loss and grief journey is deeply personal and unique.
Avoid unloading your own fears: Seeing someone lose a child can stir up terrifying anxieties about your own children. Do not voice these fears to the grieving parents. They are struggling to survive their own reality and do not have the emotional bandwidth to comfort you through your anxieties.

If you do say something that you realize might have been hurtful, it’s okay. You’re human; it’s going to happen. But also consider following up with the parent to apologize and let them know that it was not your intent to be harmful.

What to Do for Bereaved Parents

When a tragedy occurs, the standard phrase most people say is, “Let me know if you need anything.” While well-meaning, this places the burden of logistics and decision-making squarely on the overwhelmed parents. They rarely have the energy to think about what they need, let alone coordinate it.

Instead of asking, take specific, concrete action.

Practical Ways to Deliver Relief

Show Up, Then Stay: You don’t need to “fix” their sadness; you just need to sit in it with them.
Provide Food Without Expectations: Deliver meals, but drop them off on the porch with a text note rather than knocking and expecting to be invited in. Grieving parents often lack an appetite or the energy to host visitors. Drop off gift cards for local takeout or a box of easy-to-grab snacks and disposable paper plates so they don’t have to worry about dishes.
Offer Specific Help with Errands: Instead of a generic offer, ask directly: “Can I come mow your lawn on Thursday?” “Can I fold your laundry?” or “I’m running to the grocery store, text me your list and I will drop it on your counter.”
Step up for Surviving Children: Offer to watch their living children, take them to the park, or drive them to school activities. This gives the parents space to grieve openly while ensuring their other children are cared for.
Help with Funeral Logistics: The process of organizing a funeral or memorial service is incredibly heavy. Offer to take over communication and logistics. You can coordinate with the funeral home, help arrange music and speakers, or manage the flowers, allowing the parents to focus entirely on how they want to honor their child without the stress of administration.

Ongoing and Long-Term Actions

Keep Checking In: Schedule digital reminders and receive tips to check in and support them by signing up with FollowTheNudge.org.
Remember the Special Days: The world often moves on after a few weeks, but for the parents, the silence grows louder. Mark your calendar with the child’s birthday, the anniversary of their passing, and major holidays. Send a text, an email, or a card to let them know you remember.
Give Personalized Memorial Gifts: If you want to give a physical token of remembrance, choose something meaningful. Engraved wind chimes, a piece of jewelry with the child’s handprint, initials, or birthstone, or a framed picture can bring immense comfort.
Give Grace and Expect Nothing in Return: Grieving parents may not return your phone calls. They might send a short text or ignore a message for weeks. They might abruptly back out of a family gathering or a holiday party, especially if there are other children present who are the same age their child would be. Do not take this personally. Give them radical grace as they navigate their triggers day by day.
Refer A Parent to Just Enduring to help them connect with peers and find the grief resources they need.
Use Just Enduring’s Resource Directory to search and find a variety of child loss resources based on need, a child’s cause of death and more.

Child Loss Resource Directory

Filter across hundreds of child loss organizations by the child’s age, cause of death, and the specific type of assistance needed to find your tailored support.

Start Searching

Grieving as a Family Member or Friend

Child loss radiates outward, casting a heavy shadow over everyone who loved that child or who loves the parents. While the parents are at the absolute center of this devastation, your own grief as a grandparent, aunt, uncle, close friend, or caregiver is completely real and valid.

Validate Your Own Relationship and Loss

You are allowed to mourn. You may be grieving the relationship that you had with that beautiful child, or the future relationship you didn’t get the chance to build. As a grandparent, you are carrying a double layer of heartbreak: you are mourning the loss of your precious grandchild, and you are simultaneously experiencing the agony of watching your own adult child suffer through a pain you cannot fix.

Find Your Own Circle of Support

Because the parents are completely consumed by their immediate grief, they cannot be your primary emotional outlet. They do not have the capacity to carry your sorrow alongside their own.

Talk openly about your grief with other family members, friends, or a professional counselor.
Seek out dedicated support groups for grandparents or grieving relatives.
If you need to vent, cry, or process the unfairness of the loss, do so in spaces away from the bereaved parents.

Navigate Your Personal Triggers

Just like the parents, you will encounter grief triggers. Seeing children of a similar age, watching family holiday traditions pass with an empty seat, or seeing reminders in everyday life can bring unexpected waves of intense emotion. Recognize these moments, give yourself patience, and remove yourself from situations when the grief becomes too overwhelming to manage safely.

It is entirely okay for you to be hurting. Supporting the parents doesn’t mean hiding your own love and sorrow; it means finding the right outlets to express it so you can continue to stand strong beside them.

Honors, Keepsakes, and Acts of Kindness

One of the deepest fears a bereaved parent carries is that their child’s memory will fade into the background of life. As a friend or family member, you can actively join them in keeping that memory alive through intentional, creative acts of remembrance.

Incorporate Their Symbol or Color: Many families find a continuing connection through a specific symbol or color that reminds them of their child—be it a butterfly, a dragonfly, a cardinal, a giraffe, or a vibrant shade of orange. If you see their symbol out in the world, snap a photo and send it to the parents with a brief note: “Thinking of Jackson today.”
Participate in Random Acts of Kindness: Honor the child by doing good in their name. You can buy a gift card, write the child’s name in the “From” line, and hand it to a stranger. You can knit or buy blankets to donate to a local children’s hospital, or contribute food to a local pantry in their honor. Involving your own friends and family in these acts spreads beauty in a dark space.
Keep Their Photos Visible: Treat their child as a permanent, beautiful branch of your family tree. Display their photos in your home. Talk about what they looked like, their sweet smiles, and the precious moments you shared with them.

Refer A Parent

If you know a grieving parent who needs a supportive community to lean on, you can connect them directly to us through Refer a Parent. By filling out our brief, private referral form, you can provide their contact details and specific loss information so our team of bereaved peers can reach out gently with tailored resources. It is a powerful, seamless way to ensure your loved one never feels entirely alone in the heavy silence of their early grief.

By completing and submitting this form to Just Enduring, you consent to the collection and use of your personal data in accordance with our privacy policy, which can be found here.

Stay Connected: The Circle of Care Journey (COMING SOON)

Supporting a loved one through the lifelong journey of child loss isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon with changing terrains. To help you stay equipped, compassionate, and consistent over the months and years to come, we invite you to sign up for our specialized email series.

Sign Up for Our “Circle of Care” Email Journey

This is a gentle, step-by-step email companion designed specifically for friends, family members, and extended community networks. By joining, you will receive timely insights, practical advice on handling upcoming milestone triggers, reminders on how to check in during the “quiet months” after the initial shock wears off, and stories from other support networks who have learned how to show up effectively.

While this resource is not live right now, if you sign up today, you’ll begin receiving emails as soon as they are available.

Frequently Asked Questions About Supporting Bereaved Parents

How long does the intense grief last for a bereaved parent?

There is no timeline or expiration date for grief after the loss of a child. While the initial sharp, paralytic shock changes shape over time, a parent will carry the love and absence of their child for the rest of their lives. Expecting them to go back to ‘normal’ after a few months or a year can cause profound isolation. True support means walking with them indefinitely.

What should I do if a parent starts crying when I bring up their child?

Do not feel guilty or think that you caused their pain. Your words did not make them sad; they were already sad. Your words simply gave them a safe avenue to express their tears. Hold space for them, sit in the silence, offer a hug if appropriate, and let them cry. Knowing they can safely weep in your presence is an incredibly healing gift.

Is it okay to invite grieving parents to family gatherings where other kids will be present?

Yes, you should continue to include and invite them, but always provide an explicit ‘out.’ Say something like: ‘We love you and would love to have you there, but we completely understand if it feels too painful or overwhelming right now with the other children around. Do whatever is best for your heart, and know our feelings will never be hurt.’ This takes away any pressure of obligation.

How can I help a grieving parent if I live far away?

Distance does not stop you from showing up. You can coordinate grocery or food deliveries directly to their house, send handwritten cards, set up calendar reminders to text them on difficult milestone dates, or fundraise through platforms like SupportNow to help them cover costs or take necessary time away from work.

We’re On This Journey With You

As family and friends, your own path through this tragedy is heavy and full of its own valid grief, yet you carry the vital role of holding up the immediate family as they endure the absolute worst journey of their lives.

Please know that you do not have to figure out how to be their anchor all on your own. Just Enduring is here to support you with resources, community, and guidance, ensuring that as you show up for them, you are cared for too.

Ways Just Enduring can support you:

Explore our directory of child loss resources
Contact us for guidance or connection
Learn how to support other grieving parents
Help us reach more families through giving or volunteering

True support isn’t about finding the right words to cure the pain; it’s about having the courage to show up, say their child’s name, and stay by their side for the long haul.

Though not your child, you have also lost someone special. Find support for yourself and learn about the experiences of others in similar circumstances.

Grieving as a Family Member or Friend

Written by Ben Gillham

This page was written by Ben Gillham, President and Co-Founder of Just Enduring. Like many on our team, Ben’s dedication to this mission is rooted in the personal reality of child loss, specifically the loss of his son, Jackson.

By combining first-hand experience with a mission to help parents live and love after the loss of a child, Ben ensures that Just Enduring’s support remains shaped by the actual journey of grief, rather than just the theory of it. At Just Enduring, we believe the most powerful help comes from those who have walked this path themselves.

What to Say

No one really knows what to say to a parent who has lost a child. See these tips and thoughts based on our experiences as bereaved parents

What To Say

What to Do

Everyone grieves differently. Find information on what you can do to help a grieving parent.

What To Do

Step-by-Step Guide

Find a parent’s step-by-step checklist of what to do after their child dies.

Step-By-Step Guide

Pamphlet for Parents

Download and print this pamphlet as a resource to offer to bereaved parents.

Pamphlet for Parents

Parent Guide to Sibling Grief

Help children adjust to life without their sibling with a printable guide to answer their questions and help them grieve.

Parent Guide to Sibling Grief

Refer a Parent

Refer a parent(s) who has experienced a recent child loss who you would like us to send resources to.

Refer A Parent

What Employers and Co-Workers Can Do

How you can help an employee or coworker who has lost a child.

Learn More

Grieving as a Family Member or Friend

Though not your child, you have also lost someone special. Find support for yourself and learn about the experiences of others in similar circumstances.

Find Support

What Bereaved Parents Are Thinking & Feeling

Learn about the thoughts and feelings that are a part of the grief parents experience after the loss of a child.

Learn More

Resources for Bereaved Parents

Everything from funeral and lactation information to books for siblings. Share these practical tips with bereaved parents to help them navigate their unexpected loss.

Share Resources