Lessons on Grieving 5 Years Later

Lessons on Grieving 5 Years Later

By Jimmy Bartleman, Isaac’s Dad

During the past five years, these are the lessons on grieving that most helped me, a bereaved dad:

1. Scream in your car. It’s cathartic. Trust me. Give it a try.
2. Try not to compare your grief to others. Even if you lost the same person…it’s a different relationship.
3. Isolating is normal. Just remember to check in with the ones who check on you.
4. Ugly cries … like the ones that touch the depths of your soul are actually quite helpful. A release.
5. Express your feelings. Whether on paper, to a therapist, a trusted friend or using another creative outlet…get those emotions out so they don’t get stuck.
6. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you last heard their voice … the waves of grief can crash into you at any time. Any place … when reality hits again that they are really gone.
7. Let go of the guilt. We would all go back and do something differently if we could. You only had the information we had at that time with no way of knowing what was going to happen. You are only human.
8. Sometimes it helps to change traditions so it doesn’t hurt as much when they won’t be there..
9. But … try to find a way to honor them at these events so they feel close to you.
10. Anxiety is normal. Because grief lets fear take over as you are now aware that terrible things can happen. It makes you feel out of control. Talk to your doctor if you feel it’s interfering with every day life.
11. Try a gratitude journal. I know this is the worst time to ask you to feel grateful but it helps. Just one thing a day. It could be that you didn’t burn dinner that night. But in time..it will get easier. That’s how you know you are moving through your darkest days.
12. Walk. Just getting out and getting fresh air and exercise can make a difference in your mental health. I love being out in nature to clear my mind.
13. Time doesn’t lessen grief. It’s what you do with that time. If you don’t grieve, emotions will have nowhere to go. You have to feel the pain of this loss. Lean into it even if it hurts. That’s how you move forward with it.
14. We are our own worst critics. Try giving yourself a no judgement zone. Grieving is frustrating. Especially when you have a particularly good day but end up a sobbing mess on the floor the next. Remember this journey is not linear. Try talking to yourself like you would if it was your best friend going through the same thing. BE your best friend because you are the only one who knows what this loss feels like.
15. Which brings me to self care. Give yourself love. And pep talks. And lots and lots of grace.
16. Grieving is a thousand conversations your mind has with your heart. Eventually your life (that you were given no choice but to live) grows around the pain. It’s a long road of getting used to this different world without your loved one in it. The pain will dull, wounds will heal, then the scab covering it sometimes gets ripped off again during special days. And so on. Which brings me back to #15. Give yourself grace.

Because I don’t have to tell you how hard this is. You know all too well. Just keep going. One minute at a time. One hour a time. Then one day. Just keep going.